"I don't believe it!"   Victor M
GRUMPY OLD RORY

And Talking of Sickness by Rory Mc Grath

Wednesday 27th April 2005.

Talking of sickness, isn’t it time we stopped pretending it’s not happening? It’s staring us in the face! Something must be said; something must be done! Old people are wearing too much beige. There I’ve said it now. I may make some enemies with these words but I simply can’t bear it any more; the sight of a Saga coach shedding its passengers and they’re all wearing beige; beige anoraks, beige overcoats, beige hats, beige trousers; it’s obscene. (The very word ‘beige’ is obscene; being impossible to pronounce except with a mild French accent. I even believe it means “the colour of the liquid that oozes out of the small intestine.”) Don’t they realise they don’t HAVE to wear beige, just because they’re old. Red, yellow, blue, green, grey, black and white are available too, you know, dearie! (OK, I’ll admit that the occasional racy old woman will sport a daring turquoise ‘windcheater’ but other than that it’s beige.) My parents, both in their eighties, have been warned that if they ever wear beige, I’m going to shoot them. So they just wear what I tell them. And they’ve been very good, though I’m sure neither of them enjoys going on church outings in their yellow and orange Hare Krishna gear.

And talking of sickness. What about charity appeals on television!? There you are, sat in front of the box, can of Stella in one hand, Kentucky Fried chicken bargain bucket in the other, watching “Strip Clubs of Halifax uncovered” on Men and Motors. It’s disgraceful. I don’t want to see limping puppies, when I’ve tuned in to watch “Extreme Pint Pulling” on Challenge TV.

And talking of sickness, I saw an advert on television the other night, exhorting the viewer to download (whatever that means) from the internet (whatever that is) some ring-tones from the latest charts (whatever they are.) A ring-tone is apparently the noise one’s mobile phone makes when it rings. What amazed me about this ad was that it started with the question; “Are you embarrassed by your ring-tone?” Is it possible that there is such a person on the planet? Some-one who has such a pathetically low opinion of themselves, someone who is so lacking in personality and brains, some-one so vain, shallow and dim, that they would give a shit what other people thought of their ring tones? I dream of a world in which I have so few worries and problems, that I could give a damn about what my f@cking mobile phone sounds like when it rings!

And talking of sickness; who puts that glove on the railings? Everyday when I walk past railings, there’s a glove on them! Who is this sad person who goes around at night putting gloves on railings? Always a navy-blue woolen one (occasionally, a fuchsia pink one) and never a pair! Why can’t this maniac put a PAIR of gloves on the railings; that would be useful!

And talking of sickness....

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